Lancaster, Sir Osbert (1908 - 1986)

"But why on earth should anybody living comfortably in outer space want to settle in W.8.?"

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"But you must realise, darling, that, owing to temporary and non-recurrent factors operating during the period under review, the figures tend to give an unrepresentative picture of the overall position. Now, after Goodwood....."

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"Do you remember, Uncle Longstop, telling us all about the sordid commercialisation of football?"

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"If Lord Stansgate gets his way and they do televise the opening of Parliament, I know exactly what'll happen -the Liberals 'll hog the cameras, the Socialists 'll say they've been given the wrong make-up and Lord Hailsham will proclaim he's badly lit."

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"No, dear, it's nothing to do with the Olympics - we're just getting ready for the 27th."

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"Of course, if Lord Eccles gets what he thinks he's going to get by charging us to see our own property, it may almost foot the petrol bill for one Concorde test flight halfway across the Atlantic."

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"Personally, I don't think the choice of political speakers is in the least biased - it's just plain morbid."

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"Thank God there's no direct reference to Roedean!"

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"You mark my words, any minute now they'll discover that nuclear radiation is terribly good for us, and up will go the rates!"

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SOLD "Why mummy darling, I always thought it was you!"

"But I promise you, auntie, that an oscar has absolutely nothing to do with the late Mr Wilde!"

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"How many times have I got to tell you, Ursula dear, that granny doesn't WANT to hear about what the seven dwarfs did to Snow White on B.B.C.2!"

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"I only said I thought the ideal solution would be to sink Peter Masefield in the Thames Estuary and use him as a landing-strip!!"

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"May I remind you, gentlemen, of the words of the great Lord Acton, "All power corrupts, absolute power corrupts absolutely, but student power can be switched off at the main."

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"Now, that's what I call a really good tan!"

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"Well even if you can't get a commission in Rippon's Light Horse you could always sign on for Lord Longford's Auxliary Brownies!"

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"After I told them that we brought eternal greetings from the Freedom Fighters of W.1. they couldn't have been sweeter!"

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"An underpass, dear child, is the shortest distance between two traffic blocks!"

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"I warned you this would happen sooner or later,"

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"Quite frankly, Willy, as a strengthening of Commonwealth ties I put cricket in the same class as Apartheid."

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